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I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Don’t believe everything you think.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?