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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.