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According to my nipples, summer is over
is battling with eyelids
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?