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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".