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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
This headache feels like dumb people
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.