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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I should come with a warning label.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone