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I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?