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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.