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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.