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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.