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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.