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Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.