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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
What about a To-Don`t List?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.