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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..