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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.