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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Never trust a skinny chef
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.