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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.