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I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it