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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.