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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her