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Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.