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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.