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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them