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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.