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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.