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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)