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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.