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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.