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Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
This recliner and I go way back.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.