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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional