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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Iām exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.