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never be afraid to wipe twice
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?