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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.