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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5