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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.