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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
lol I rotfl
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-