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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...