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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.