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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
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Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.