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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.