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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.