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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
If the shoe fits, buy it.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.