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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance