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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.