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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`