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If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.