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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...