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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?