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Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.