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If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.