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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Hard butter is the devil.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.