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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?