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Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.