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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.