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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.