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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.