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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired