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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you