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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"