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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
I just ran a .003048K
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis