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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.