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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom