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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.