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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.