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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|