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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...