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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING