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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"