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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.