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I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.