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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage