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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.