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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener