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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
My life is loosely based on a true story.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.