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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?