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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Real friends show me their boobs
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.