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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"