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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
My life coach just benched me.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.