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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!