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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?