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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!