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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.