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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.