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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...