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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Home is where the alcohol is.