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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
My misery likes tequila, not company.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.