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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective