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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.