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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?