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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.