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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.