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Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?