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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball