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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.