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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(