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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome