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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.