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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I just awesomed all over the place.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.