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I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...