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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie