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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.