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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.