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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.