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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.