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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.