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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.