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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.